Asking Eric: Husband’s hygiene causes big stink in marriage

Dear Eric I ve been married for a scarce decades to someone who lacks self-awareness about the impact of his choice not to shower for several days sometimes more than a week He doesn t even shower after he works out runs He also wears the same underwear for days at a time When I tell him he smells he says he can t smell anything Believe me he smells He seems not to care or believe what I tell him about good hygiene practices Maybe if he hears your opinion on the matter of good hygiene for men it might crack open a willingness to change Keeping the Windows Open Dear Windows If he doesn t heed your comments about his body odor as someone who loves him and lives with him I doubt he cares what I think But here s the facts personal hygiene is personal but one s personal hygiene practices impact those around them This is true of people who don t bathe and also people who are fastidious about bathing and douse themselves in cologne and everyone else in between We don t live in bubbles metaphorically or in your husband s incident perhaps literally Beyond the odor issue is there a communication matter here Because if you re telling him about an aspect of your shared life that s causing you problems and frankly a physical condition concern and he s dismissing it what else is he dismissing Are there other concerns of yours that he doesn t take seriously I m not trying to problematize your marriage I hope this is the only issue you two have However when a spouse brings up an issue it s dependably best for the couple to work together to find a remedy There s got to be a way for both of you to be happy and happily share a space Dear Eric The letter from Burning Questions Not Hillsides who was trying to keep a friend from smoking in their backyard reminded me of a little decorative plaque I made and used to display in my home years ago I was a young adult and mother in the s and s when smoking was still common I do not recall if I created this little verse or if I read it somewhere My apologies to the author if I inadvertently plagiarized It read Welcome to our non-smoking home If you are seen smoking we will assume that you are on fire and treat you accordingly I apparently still have it packed away somewhere but thankfully would not need to display it in Sign of the Times Dear Sign I love a cheeky sign that also helpfully lets friends know how to be good guests Dear Eric I have a distant relationship with my brother as I am a gay man with a new thought religion both of which he says will send me to Hell We communicate mostly by email on birthdays and Christmas but did get along well more than years ago when our father passed and the estate was settled I sent my nieces gifts on their birthdays and Christmas until they turned and stopped thanking me I ve seen one niece in person in the last years Two of the nieces send Christmas wishes at times I was invited to the wedding of a grandniece I ve never met ostensibly at the urging of my sister-in-law who would like to see my brother and I closer My husband was not included in the invitation I declined the invitation stating we had booked a cruise at the time of the wedding I will send a card Of syllabus I lied about the cruise Should I have attended as a way to get back into the family They are my only living family save three cousins two of which are fundamental Christians I feel much closer to my husband s family who are welcoming and available How do I handle another invitation Estranged Guest Related Articles Asking Eric Longtime friends ignore friend s daughter s wedding Asking Eric Husband and wife divided over estranged stepchildren s inheritance Asking Eric Labor Day wedding too much work for out-of-state aunt Asking Eric Joint family birthday party puts burden on one side only Asking Eric Religious leader s speaking obscures message Dear Guest Wedding invites are sometimes olive branches but at other times they re entirely social gestures that can take on outsized influence While the invitation you received was kind accepting it or future invites that feel more obligatory rather than genuine may not serve you as well as reaching out to your family in a way that is safe for you Let s talk about this practically would you really have enjoyed this wedding knowing sparse people and feeling that your husband had been excluded I suspect you wouldn t have which would have made it hard to have reconnecting conversations with your brother Weddings are also not ideal times for those kinds of conversations A card is the right move here But if you want to be closer to your family first figure out what your boundaries are ideally in conversation with your husband and then reach out Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com