Asking Eric: After ugly comments, brother invites himself to party

Dear Eric Nearly eight months ago my -year-old brother lashed out saying hateful and hurtful things about our youngest sister At the time I suspected he was drunk and maybe frustrated from the repeated episodes of our sister s illnesses and problems selected of which have been caused by her own serious eating disorder depression and occasional binge drinking I have never mentioned the fracture in our relationship to our sister and am grateful that they continue to have particular sort of relationship Just now my three nieces and I planned an aunties visit Before their arrival my brother texted me with thanks for inviting him to join us for dinner and games but we neither shared our plans nor invited him My sister in ignorance of the rift described him that our nieces were coming to town My wife and I are at a loss We can request that he explain his side of the silence or apologize for his hateful words But truthfully his apology won t erase the vehemence of his words primarily directed at our sister I don t ever want her to know what he commented I understand that it takes much courage to admit one s failings I recognize how powerful it is to show grace when it s easier to cling to resentment But my brother s actions have been speaking volumes I could use specific advice because I m pretty sure my nieces will ask about their uncle and I have already spent too much time fretting over his text Not Invited Dear Invited Whether motivated by alcohol abuse frustration or anything else your brother s vitriol wasn t appropriate and you don t need to stand for it It s perfectly fine to reply to the text by telling him that you your sister and your nieces made plans and that you d like to stick to what you d planned He doesn t get to dictate the terms of your get-together You can also let him know that while you appreciate him reaching out the two of you need to have a conversation before you can socialize again This isn t meant to punish him rather it s a way for you to hold a healthy boundary You can also tell your nieces and your sister that should they ask If you re aware of these traits of his then they likely are too Even if they aren t it s sometimes better to be honest and succinct rather than grinning and bearing it Tell them we re not in a good place right now and I hope that he s able to work on it with me I don t want this to cast a pall over our weekend People don t reliably agree but I m not asking you to take sides Dear Eric I don t suppose I am the only one who feels ghosted by friends and family in their slow response time to texts I am curious as to what is the courteous time to respond to texts I have friends that respond in minutes and family that respond in an hour which I find courteous I am more concerned about those that take hours and chosen take days It really is concerning when I answer their text questions promptly and then am ghosted for hours or days wondering what they thought of my answers I feel ghosted Why did they ask for my input and then they don t respond for hours or days I am just curious if I should not even text these friends and family instead pick up the phone and call them the old-fashioned way knowing I perhaps will get their voicemail Related Articles Asking Eric Friend s dog not welcome in the pool Asking Eric After a rift and a breakdown sister-in-law wants to rebuild relationship Asking Eric Mother can t accept daughter s unambitious husband Asking Eric New boyfriend comes with a warning from his sister-in-law Asking Eric Mother unsure whether to contact estranged son on deathbed Ghosted Dear Ghosted This may be an unpopular opinion for particular but I m a big fan of a phone call especially if you need a quicker answer and the person is a slow texter You might also try a voice note to which specific people respond more hurriedly than they do a text I d encourage you to reframe your thinking about this While it may feel like ghosting and it s certainly frustrating to not get replies to texts for hours or days in majority cases it s likely less about you than it is about the way the person you texted uses their phone Texting is prevalent these days but it s not particularly natural for everyone A multitude of people s schedules or lives or temperaments aren t set up to respond at a moment s notice in writing to boot It s very different from swinging by someone s cubicle at work or talking to a neighbor on the porch So when you re finding yourself not getting the response you want consider that it s not a rejection but rather solely information about how the text recipient moves through the world This person may not be a good texter doesn t make them a bad friend per se Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com